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ShARe-A-BILL QUOTES
These Share-a-Bill quotes are for your personal, non-commercial use only.
(Most taken from Love All The People by Bill Hicks. © Ariz Bay Prod. Co., Inc.)
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"A psychedelic experience...does make you realize everything you learned is in fact just learned and not necessarily true." ~Bill Hicks

"Alcohol kills more people than crack, coke and heroin combined...so thanks for inviting me to your little alcoholic drug den." ~Bill Hicks

"All day long you see those commercials: 'Here's Your Brain, Just Say No'...and the next commercial is: 'This Bud's For You.'" ~Bill Hicks

"....All drugs should be legal. War is wrong. The rich get richer. The poor get poorer. Thank you. I'll be here all week." ~Bill Hicks

"All your beliefs, they're just that. They're nothing. They're how you were taught and raised. That doesn't make 'em real." ~Bill Hicks

"Are gun rights advocates arguing that roving gangs...shooting innocent bystanders constitutes a 'well-regulated militia'?" ~Bill Hicks

"Audience participation...is limited to...answers to my questions, laughter, applause and a blowjob from all the women afterward"~Bill Hicks

"Been on what I call my Flying Saucer Tour--appearing in small Southern towns--in front of handfuls of hillbillies." ~Bill Hicks

"Billy Ray Cyrus does not smoke. Michael Bolton doesn't...Paula Abdul doesn't...there does seem to be a pattern." ~Bill Hicks

"Blow up the arms dealers! How could that possibly help? Well...we'll save petrol. Our planes can drop their bombs on take-off." ~Bill Hicks

"By the way, if anyone here is in marketing or advertising ... kill yourself. Thank you. Just planting seeds..." ~Bill Hicks

"Christianity's such an odd religion...eternal suffering awaits anyone who questions God's infinite love...Believe or die!" ~Bill Hicks

"[Comedy] is an escape from illusions. The audience is...thinking, 'This bullshit we see and hear all day makes no sense.'" ~Bill Hicks

"Comedy is a double-edged sword; on 1 hand no 1 gives U any flak because...it's all a joke. On the other hand, it's not a joke." ~Bill Hicks

"Did you watch the flag-burning thing?...People were just 'Hey, buddy...My daddy died for that flag'...Really?...I bought mine." ~Bill Hicks

"Do a commercial, you're off the artistic roll call, every word you say is suspect, you're a corporate whore and end of story." ~Bill Hicks

"Do I have a message? Yes, I do. Here's my message: as scary as the world is - and it is - it is merely a ride..." ~Bill Hicks

"Doesn't Rush Limbaugh remind you of one of those gay guys who likes to lay in a tub while other men pee on him?" ~Bill Hicks

"Drugs that open your eyes...make you realize how you're being fucked every day of your life. Those drugs--are against the law." ~Bill Hicks

"Dude, can I bum a cigarette from you, man? I'm trying to quit buying...50 years of smoking? You're giving me fucking hope!" ~Bill Hicks

"England, where no one has guns: 14 deaths. United States...23,000 deaths from handguns. But--there's no connection..." ~Bill Hicks

"God has this...hobby. He creates perfection. This world is not perfect. We have to learn to separate illusions from reality." ~Bill Hicks

"Good comedy helps people know they're not alone. Great comedy provides an answer." ~Bill Hicks

"Good evening ladies and gentlemen. My name is William Melvin Hicks. Thanks Dad." ~Bill Hicks, Austin, Texas 1983

"Good evening. How are you tonight? Welcome. Welcome. Welcome to 'No Sympathy Night.' Welcome to 'You're Wrong Night'." ~Bill Hicks

"Here's what causes sexual thoughts...having a dick...In the course of our day ANYTHING can cause a sexual fucking thought." ~Bill Hicks

"How come Keith Richards still walks? Explain that ... You never hear the Surgeon General mention Keith, do ya?" ~Bill Hicks

"How many disapprove of Bush--70 percent...How many'll vote for him--70 percent...Where'd they take that poll? Some S+M parlor?" ~Bill Hicks

"I...am an evolved being who deals solely with the source of light...in all of us in our own minds. No middleman required." ~Bill Hicks

"I am a misanthropic humanist....Do I like people? They're great, IN THEORY.'' ~Bill Hicks

"I am available for children's parties, by the way...Beelzebozo, clown from Hell. It's in the phone book under 'B' and 'H'." ~Bill Hicks

"I believe it is our own misperceptions of who we really are that leads to every self-created hell you'll find in this world." ~Bill Hicks

"I believe the cost of life is Death and we will all pay that in full. Everything else should be a gift." ~Bill Hicks

"I believe we all have the Voice of Reason inside us...to gently lead us out of our own self-created hells..." ~Bill Hicks

"I can't understand a word they say, yet we're all speaking English...they all sound like little birds tweeting to me." ~Bill Hicks on Brits

"I do not believe making money in order to consume goods is mankind's sole purpose on this planet." ~Bill Hicks

"I don't care if you're obscene, filthy, horrendous -- as long as you're honest." ~Bill Hicks

"I don't drink, uh, I don't do drugs. I wanna thank management for offering, but..." ~Bill Hicks

"I don't get along with anything, I really don't...I'm, I'm, maybe I'm just a, you know, incredibly tasteful human being." ~Bill Hicks

"I don't identify with anyone historically, but there are several people in the future who I am a dead ringer for." ~Bill Hicks

"I don't pretend to understand women's little quirks. Just one thing I know for sure, Chicks Dig Jerks. Ow!" ~Bill Hicks

"I don't wanna pick it up, mister; you'll shoot me." ... "PICK UP THE GUN!" (3 gunshots) "YOU ALL SAW HIM, HE HAD A GUN." ~Bill Hicks

"I go to dance clubs...about once a year just to justify the other 364 days I spend in my apartment going 'God, what idiots!'" ~Bill Hicks

"I hate patriotism. I can't stand it, man. Makes me fucking sick. It's a round world last time I checked, OK?" ~Bill Hicks

"I have NEVER seen people on pot get in a fight- because it is fucking IMPOSSIBLE. - "Hey buddy!" 'Hey what?' "Hey." 'Hey.'" ~Bill Hicks

"I hope you know this; I think you do--all governments are lying cocksuckers. Hope you know that. Good. All right." ~Bill Hicks

"I left in love, in laughter and in truth, and wherever love, laughter and truth abide, I will be there in spirit." ~Bill Hicks

"I love watching...that all-terrain Popemobile with the 3 ft of bulletproof Plexiglass around him. Boy, there's faith in action."~Bill Hicks

"I love talking about Kennedy assassination...a great archetypal example of how totalitarian government...sorry, wrong meeting." ~Bill Hicks

"I saw...a kid on a leash. You seen these people? Kid on a leash? How horrible. Put him in the pound where he belongs." ~Bill Hicks

"I stole [Denis Leary's] act. I camouflaged it with punchlines and, to really throw people off, I did it before he did." ~Bill Hicks

"I used to love to call L.A. when I lived in New York...Is that the Big One I hear in the background? Bye you lizard scum! Bye!" ~Bill Hicks

"I was a weekend drinker...I'd start on Saturday, end on Friday...thought I was controlling it...but I don't drink any more." ~Bill Hicks

"I was always 'awake'...Some part of me clamoring for NEW insights and NEW ways to make the world a better place." ~Bill Hicks, Feb. 7, 1994

"I was born William Melvin Hicks on December 16, 1961 in Valdosta, Georgia. Ugh--Melvin Hicks from Georgia. Yee Har!" ~Bill Hicks

"I was in Australia....Lotta leg room down under. Apartments: dollar a month. 2000-acre den....think of the parties." ~Bill Hicks

"I was just down in Dallas, Texas...the Assassination Museum...it's really accurate, you know, 'cause Oswald's not in it." ~Bill Hicks

"I wouldn't give Satan a snowball's chance in Hell against a woman's ego..." ~Bill Hicks

"I, like all artists in Western cultures, am a shaman...come in the guise of a comic...to heal perception by using...'jokes'..." ~Bill Hicks

"I'd...bet enthusiasm for 'ethnic cleansing' will wane if only sticks and rocks are available for the warring parties." ~Bill Hicks

"I'll tell you how to solve this abortion thing...Those unwanted babies...? Leave about 12 of them on the Supreme Court steps." ~Bill Hicks

"I'll see you all in Heaven, where we can really share a great laugh together...forever and ever...and ever. With love, Bill Hicks."

"I'll tell you who the threat to the status quo is in this country. It's us. That's why they...keep you afraid...impotent." ~Bill Hicks

"I'm amusing people one at a time here tonight...I'm amazed at the restraint of the rest of you till your time comes up." ~Bill Hicks

"I'm an American who loves an America which doesn't exist, which is a land of freedom and free ideas." ~Bill Hicks

"I'm Bill Hicks and I'm dead now...Cigarettes didn't kill me. A bunch of nonsmokers kicked the shit out of me one night." ~Bill Hicks

"I'm just saying if you're gonna have a war against drugs, have 'em against all drugs, including alcohol...or shut the fuck up!" ~Bill Hicks

"I'm just skin covering coffee and some real nervous teeth." ~Bill Hicks

"I'm just trying to rid the world of all these fevered egos that are tainting our collective unconscious..." ~Bill Hicks

"I'm kind of bummed because I'm missing right now ... my favorite cultural train wreck: 'The Tonight Show with Jay Leno'". ~Bill Hicks

"I'm smoking and you come up coughing at me. Jesus! You go up to crippled people dancin', too, you fucks?" ~Bill Hicks

"I'm sorry if anyone here is Catholic--uh...I'm not sorry if you're offended...just the fact that you're Catholic." ~Bill Hicks

"I'm talking metaphorically about America, all right? Not y'all. I give y'all more credit. I assume that you're enjoying this." ~Bill Hicks

"I've had good times on drugs...bad times on drugs...But I've had good and bad relationships...and I'm not giving up pussy." ~Bill Hicks

"I've had seven balls of light come off a UFO...explain to me telepathically we are all one and there's no such thing as death." ~Bill Hicks

"If you are living for tomorrow, you will always be one day behind." ~Bill Hicks

"Improv--what a fucking morgue!" ~Bill Hicks

"In Australia...they celebrate Easter the same...by telling our children a giant bunny rabbit...left chocolate eggs in the night"~Bill Hicks

"...Intelligence reports would come out 'Iraq--incredible weapons...' How do you know that? "Uh--we looked at the receipt." ~Bill Hicks

"Is it impossible to imagine Americans sneaking into Mexico en masse, seeking regular employment and a better way of life?" ~Bill Hicks

"Is it my business if somebody wants to burn a flag?...No, it's not...That's called logic and it'll help us all evolve..." ~Bill Hicks

"It has become more and more obvious that there is one political party in America, and that is The Business Party." ~Bill Hicks

"It's hard to have a relationship in this business...it's gonna take a very special woman...or a bunch of average ones." ~Bill Hicks

"It's my object to be stared at like a dog that's just been shown a card trick." ~Bill Hicks

"It's not that I disagreed with Bush's economic policy... I believed he was a child of Satan here to destroy the planet..." ~Bill Hicks

"It's you people dying from nothing that are screwed. I got all sorts of neat gadgets waiting for me...oxygen tent, iron lung." ~Bill Hicks

"Jesus--murdered. Martin Luther King--murdered. Gandhi--murdered. Malcolm X--murdered. Reagan--wounded." ~Bill Hicks

"Laughter makes the bitter swallowing of truth, for some, a little easier." ~Bill Hicks

"Let me assure you right now: there are dick jokes on the way." ~Bill Hicks

"Let's do some comedy. I always like to add some comedy to my show. Those who've seen me before might know that." ~Bill Hicks

"Let's figure out this food/air deal, OK? 'K. I'm just weird, you know? How about have a neat world for kids to come TO?" ~Bill Hicks

"...love rather than fear...this radical philosophy is coming from me, an avowed misanthrope...surely there is hope for us all." ~Bill Hicks

"Man, the Beatles were so high, they let Ringo sing a coupla tunes. Tell me they weren't partyin'." ~Bill Hicks

"Marijuana grows naturally...Don't you think making nature against the law seems a bit, I don't know, unnatural?" ~Bill Hicks

"McDonald's, it'll supply 40 new jobs there in Moscow." Yeah, 20 dentists and 20 heart specialists. It's shit. Don't eat it." ~Bill Hicks

"Mummy, I woke today and there was a Lincoln Log in me sock drawer!" ... "That's the story of Jesus." ~Bill Hicks

"Mushrooms grow on cow turds. I love that. I think that's why you giggle the first hour." ~Bill Hicks

"Nonsmokers--this is for you and you only. Ready? Nonsmokers die every day. Sleep tight." ~Bill Hicks

"Oh my God. Lift me up out of this illusion, Lord. Heal my perception that I might know only reality and only you." ~Bill Hicks

"'Oh, childbirth is such a miracle.'...Wrong!...A miracle's raising a kid who doesn't talk in a fucking movie theater." ~Bill Hicks

"Oh--won't we party hard when L.A. goes kersplash?...L.A. fell in the ocean?... There is a God. He loves us all so much." ~Bill Hicks

"On we traveled till the Earth was just a dot...and we were on our way to our NEW life and NEW HAPPINESS." ~Bill Hicks, December 1993

"Our next Cold War ought to be with ourselves...After all, who poses the biggest danger to the American environment? We do." ~Bill Hicks

"People always snap and think they're Jesus. How come no one ever snaps and thinks they're Buddha?" ~Bill Hicks

"People are bringing SHOTGUNS to UFO sightings...brings a whole new meaning to that phrase 'You ain't from around here, ar'ya?'" ~Bill Hicks

"People suck and that's my contention. I can prove it on scratch paper and a pen ... We're a virus with shoes. OK?" ~Bill Hicks

"Pornography is any act that has no artistic merit and causes sexual thoughts...Sounds like almost every commercial on TV to me."~Bill Hicks

"...Recording an album tonight and tomorrow...Don't worry. Funny material and laughter will be dubbed in later..." ~Bill Hicks

"Rock stars against drugs--that's what we want, isn't it? Government-approved rock-n-roll? Woo! We're partying now!" ~Bill Hicks

"Rock stars hawking Diet Cokes--are demons set loose on the Earth to lower the standards for the perfect & holy children of God!"~Bill Hicks

"Shut up! Go back to bed, America. Your government is in control. Here's Love Connection. Watch this and get fat and stupid." ~Bill Hicks

"Sixteen years I've pounded my head against the mentality of America, which...I'd say it's about an 8th grade emotional level." ~Bill Hicks

"So scary watching the news...Like Iraq...could ever under any stretch of the imagination be any threat to us whatsoever." ~Bill Hicks 1992

"Sometimes my dad even gets on this kick--'You hate this country'....I have to tell him...I just hate being lied to." ~Bill Hicks

"Surgeon General's warning ought to read: Smoking has been determined t0 cause cancer, heart disease & rednecks with seniority." ~Bill Hicks

"That's starting to depress me about UFOs. The fact that they cross galaxies...and always end up in places like Fyfe, Alabama." ~Bill Hicks

"That's what I'm gonna do: quit gradually...I'm gonna lose one lung; little while later I'm gonna lose the other one." ~Bill Hicks

"The CIA has a plot...they've used before to get rid of world leaders. Only problem...is convincing Hussein...to fly to Dallas." ~Bill Hicks

"The puppet on the right shares my beliefs, the puppet on the left is more to my liking. Hey...there's one guy holding up both!" ~Bill Hicks

"The Voice of Reason is in us all...and everyone can recognize it because it makes sense and everyone benefits from it equally." ~Bill Hicks

"There ain't no one out there who's a fucking threat to us, OK?...Oh, I'm talking now only of countries we don't arm first." ~Bill Hicks

"There is a 3rd point of view on the gun control issue--those who I refer to as THE VICTIMS--but they remain strangely silent..."~Bill Hicks

"There it is, My creation. Perfect and holy...Oh my, Me!...I left fucking pot everywhere...Now I have to create Republicans." ~Bill Hicks

"...There NEVER was a war. A war is when TWO armies are fighting. Right there I think we can all agree..." ~Bill Hicks

"There's a Living God who will talk directly fuckin' to you...not thru the pages of the Bible that forgot to mention dinosaurs!" ~Bill Hicks

"There's too many fucking people in the world. Quit rutting. Let's work out this food/air deal. Then go back to your rutting." ~Bill Hicks

"This is the idea that has made me...an anonymous figure in America...If you have children here tonight...they are NOT special."~Bill Hicks

"To make marijuana against the law is like saying God made a mistake." ~Bill Hicks


"To me pornography is...spending all your money and not educating the people in America, but spending it instead on weapons." ~Bill Hicks

"Truly, the only stupid people I've ever met, the most absolutely clueless, are the very people that produce television." ~Bill Hicks

"Waitress comes over to me: 'What you readin' for?' I said...I guess I read...so I don't end up being a fucking waffle waitress!"~Bill Hicks

"'Warning: Smoking may cause fetal injury or premature birth.'...Found MY brand! Just don't get the ones that say 'lung cancer.'"~Bill Hicks

"We are one with God and He loves us. Now if that isn't a hazard to this country--How're we gonna keep building nuclear weapons?"~Bill Hicks

"We killed 6 innocent people, launching 22, I think $3 million apiece missiles on Baghdad...that's a little bit overdoing it." ~Bill Hicks

"We really are All One....this is the very philosophy that has kept me virtually anonymous in America for fifteen years." ~Bill Hicks

"'We're rock stars who do Pepsi Cola commercials!'...Suckin' Satan's pecker. Suck it! It's only your dignity. Suck it!" ~Bill Hicks

"What before seemed a...frustrating wall, the comic deftly and fearlessly steps through, proving the absurdity of it all." ~Bill Hicks

"What do you say we lighten things up and talk about abortion?..." ~Bill Hicks

"What strikes me as funny about Elvis is that all the impersonators choose to do the Vegas Elvis, not the young, cool guy..." ~Bill Hicks

"What's gonna happen to the arms industry when we realize we're all One?...You can see why the government's cracking down." ~Bill Hicks

"When you're high you can do everything you normally do just as well -- you just realize...it's not worth the fuckin' effort." ~Bill Hicks

"When you're...stepping over a guy on the sidewalk...does it ever occur to you to think, 'Wow. Maybe our system doesn't work?'" ~Bill Hicks


"'Where's Bill going?' He's going to comedy death. Boom! He pops out of it with another joke. It's my particular style." ~Bill Hicks

"Will there be titty?" "Sure." Boom! I'm a producer. "Where you been all our life, boy? We been lookin for you in Hollywood." ~Bill Hicks

"Would you let the aliens land, please? They might be here to pick me up." ~Bill Hicks

"Writing, acting, music, comedy. A deep love of literature and books. Thank God for all the artists who've helped me." ~Bill Hicks

"You ever notice how people who believe in Creationism look really unevolved? Eyes real close together, big furry hands & feet."~Bill Hicks

"You know what I hate about working? Bosses...The very idea that ANYONE could be my boss, well...I think you see the conflict." ~Bill Hicks

"You know what I think cruel is? Leaving your loved ones to die in some sterile hospital room--Fuck that! Put 'em in the movies!"~Bill Hicks

"You think when Jesus comes back he ever wants to see a fucking cross? Kinda like going up to Jackie O. with a rifle pendant on."~Bill Hicks

"You want a better world...? Legalize pot right now. ...end the deficit? Legalize pot right now...biggest cash crop in America." ~Bill Hicks

"You're in a ballgame or a concert and someone's really violent and aggressive and obnoxious. Are they drunk or...smoking pot?" ~Bill Hicks

"You're not a human till you're in my phone book. There. My hat is now in the political ring." ~Bill Hicks

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