QUOTES FROM BILL HICKS: DANGEROUS
. . . Recording an album tonight and tomorrow . . . Don't worry. Funny material and laughter will be dubbed in later . . .
It's my object to be stared at like a dog that's just been shown a card trick . . .
Now, I'm no bleeding heart, OK? But . . . when you're walking down the streets of New York City and you're stepping over a guy on the sidewalk who, I don't know, might be dead . . . does it ever occur to you to think, "Wow. Maybe our system doesn't work?"
Man! Some of these guys though, they look healthy. I don't get it. They're just fuckin' bums, you know what I mean? Very idea they want me to just give them the hard-earned money my folks send to me every week. Fuck! You leech, get a job, man. My dad works eight hours a day for this money!
Been on what I call my Flying Saucer Tour, which means, like flying saucers, I too have been appearing in small Southern towns in front of handfuls of hilbillies lately and, uh, been doubting my own existence.
I was in Nashville, Tennessee. After the show I went to a Waffle House. I'm not proud of it, but I was hungry . . . I'm eating and I'm readng a book. Fine. Right? Waitress comes over to me: "What you readin' for?" I said, "Wow, I've never been asked that. Goddang it, you stumped me. Not what am I reading, but what am I reading for? I guess I read for a lot of reasons, but one of the main ones is so I don't end up being a fucking waffle waitress!
I'd quit smoking if I didn't think I'd become one of them [obnoxious, self-righteous nonsmokers]. . . . I'm smoking and you come up coughing at me. Jesus! You go up to crippled people dancin', too, you fucks? "Well, hey, Mr. Wheelchair. What's you're problem? Come on, Ironside. Race ya!" You fucking sadist. I'll smoke, I'll cough, I'll get the tumors, I'll die. Deal? Thank you, America.
I love when people in New York City complain about your smoking. Isn't that great? Yeah. These people are standing ankle-deep in dog links, straddling a dead guy, you know. Apparently my cigarette's fucking up the delicate balance of nature here.
. . . what's cool is every pack has a different Surgeon General's warning. Isn't that great? Mine say: "Warning: Smoking may cause fetal injury or premature birth." Fuck it! Ha ha ha! Found my brand. Just don't get the ones that say "lung cancer"...
Rock stars hawing Diet Cokes! What real rock star would do something like that, you know? . . . You don't see the imminent danger, do you? You're staring at me like, "Bill, they're just musicians, and they're, you know, and they're just doing their thing, and - NO! They are DEMONS SET LOOSE ON THE EARTH TO LOWER THE STANDARDS FOR THE PERFECT AND HOLY CHILDREN OF GOD!
George Bush says we are losing the war on drugs. You know what that implies? There's a war being fought, and the people on drugs are winning it. Ha ha ha ha! What does that tell you about drugs? Some smart, creative people on that side.
News is supposed to be objective, isn't it? . . . But every drugs story is negative? . . . Same LSD story every time: "Young man on acid, thought he could fly, jumped out of a building. What a tragedy." What a dick! Don't go blaming acid on this guy. If he thought he could fly, why didn't he take off from the ground first to check it out? . . . I'd like to see a positive LSD story. Would that be newsworthy? Just once? Hear what it's all about? "Today a young man on acid realized that all matter is merely energy condensed to a slow vibration, that we are all one consciousness experiencing itself subjectively. There's no such thing as death, life is only a dream, and we're the imagination of ourselves. Here's Tom with the weather."
Don't put pot in the drug category. It's an 'erb, man. Like tea. Not only do I think pot should be legalized, I think it should be mandatory. . . . That'd be a nice world. Mellow, hungry, quiet, fucked up people everywhere.
Did you watch the flag-burning thing? Wasn't that great? Boy, everyone showed their true colors then, didn't they? Retarded nation that we are. Scary. People just - people acted as though the Supreme Court approved of flag-burning, you know what I mean? . . . People were just: "Hey, buddy. Let me tell you something. My daddy died for that flag." Really? Wow, I bought mine. Yeah, they sell 'em, you know, at K-Mart and shit, yeah. "Yeah? He died in the Korean War for that flag!" Oh! What a coincidence. Mine was from Korea. Wow, the world is that big.
. . . I don't approve of flag-burning. I don't wanna burn a flag, but if somebody wants to burn a flag, what business is it of mine? Is it my business if somebody wants to burn a flag? Is it? No. No, it's not. Is it my business what other people read or watch on TV? NO, IT'S NOT! Thank you! You see, when you talk these things out they come a little clearer, don't they? They do. that's called logic and it'll help us all evolve and get on the fuckin' spaceships and GET OUTTA HERE! Let's go!
. . . I'll tell you how you can solve this abortion thing right now. Those unwanted babies that women leave in alleys and in dumpsters? Leave about twelve of them on the Supreme Court steps. Ha ha ha. This is over -- like that. "You guys said we have to have 'em, well then you guys FUCKIN' RAISE 'EM!
. . . I always used to get from bosses: "Hicks, how come you're not workin'?" I'd go: "There's nothing to do." And they'd go: "Well, you pretend like you're workin'." "Yeah, why don't you pretend I'm workin'? You get paid more than me. You fantasize, buddy. Hell. Pretend I'm mopping. Knock yourself out. I'll pretend they're buying stuff; we can close up. . . .
Remember summer vacation with your folks? Does anybody get the concept behind that? We did not get along together in a five-bedroom house. Dad's idea was to put all of us in a car - and drive through the desert at the hottest time of the year. Pfft! Good call,Dad! Let's confront our tensions!
I've had a vision. And what it is, is although this is a world where good men are murdered in their prime, and mediocre hacks thrive and proliferate, I gotta share this with ya, 'cause I love you and you feel that. You know all the money we spend on nuclear weapons and defense every year? Trillions of dollars? Correct? Trillions. Instead, if we spent that money feeding and clothing the poor of the world,which it would pay for many times over, not one human being excluded, not one, we could, as one race, explore outer space together in peace forever. You've been great. Thank you. (three gunshots)
QUOTES FROM BILL HICKS: RELENTLESS
How you doin' folks? Me too. You gotta bear with me. I'm very tired of - very tired of traveling, and very tired doing comedy, and very tired of staring out at your vacant faces looking back at me, wanting me to fill your empty lives with humor you couldn't possibly think of yourselves. Good evening.
I learned something very important watching that Clarence Thomas hearing, and d'you know what I learned? I don't stand a fuckin' chance. Don't even call the committee to order. It'd be a real short hearing: "Mr. Hicks, are you familiar at all with the video series called Clam-Lappers, Volumes 1 through 90?" "All of them? I don't recall." . . . pornography's gotten a really bad name in our country, and I'd like to state for the record right now - I love pornography. Love it. . . . For the record. "Mr. Hicks, thank you for your testimony. I don't know if we have a place for ya right now on the Supreme Court, but boy, you ever thought about becoming a Senator? . . .
So, it's good to be here, wherever I am.
It's just so scary watching the news, how they built it all out of proportion. Like Iraq was ever, or could ever, possibly, under any stretch of the imagination be a threat to us - whatsoever. But watching the news you never woulda got that idea. Remember how it started? They kept talking about the Elite Republican Guard in these hushed tones? . . . Yeah, well after two months of continuous carpet-bombing and not one reaction at all from them, they became simply the Republican Guard. . . . And after another month of bombing they went from the Elite Republican Guard, to the Republican Guard, to the Republicans made this shit up about there being guards out there.
. . . England, where no one has guns: 14 deaths. United States, and I think you know how we feel about guns - whoo! I'm gettin' a stiffy! - 23,000 deaths from handguns. But there's no connection, and you'd be a fool and a comunist to make one. There's no connection between having a gun and shooting someone with it, and not having a gun and not shooting someone. . . . OK, though admittedly last year in England they had 23,000 deaths per soccer game. . . .
. . . I tell you, too, that's starting to depress me about UFOs. The fact that they cross galaxies, or whatever they come from, to visit us, and always end up in places like Fyffe, Alabama. Maybe these are not super-intelligent beings, man. Maybe they're like hillbilly aliens. Some intergalactic Joad Family or something.
I don't care what you believe, but you've got to admit beliefs are odd. You know what I mean? You have to admit that. A lot of Christians wear crosses around their necks. You think when Jesus comes back he ever wants to see a fucking cross? Kind of like going up to Jackie Onassis with a rifle pendant on, you know?
. . . "Aww, Bill. Terminally ill people as stuntmen? That's cruel!" You know what I think cruel is? Leaving your loved ones to die in some sterile hospital room, surrounded by strangers. Fuck that! Put 'em in the movies! What? You want your grandmother dying like a little bird in some hospital room? Her translucent skin so thin you can see her last heartbeat work its way down her blue veins? Or do you want her to meet Chuck Norris? . . . She's out of her misery; you've seen the greatest film of all time. I'm still feeling some resistance here. What's up?
Nonsmokers - this is for you and you only. Ready? Nonsmokers die every day. Sleep tight. You see, I know you entertain some type of eternal life fantasy because you do not smoke cigarettes. May I be the first to pop that little fucking bubble of yours? . . . And you know what doctors say? "Shit, if only you smoked - we'd have the technology to help you." It's you people dying from nothing that are screwed. I got all sorts of neat gadgets waiting for me, man: oxygen tent, iron lung.
Some of y'all might remember me as a drinker, uh - I was a weekend drinker, you know. I'd start on Saturday, end on Friday, and, uh - thought I was controlling it there, but - I don't drink anymore. I don't do drugs any more either than, I'd say, the average funk band, if I had to add it up. . . .
Why did I quit? Because after you've been taken aboard a UFO it's kinda hard to top that, all right? You know, they have Alcoholics Anonymous, they don't have Aliens Anonymous. Tell you what, though, going to AA meetings - which I have to do - but, uh, going there and hearing people talk about their fucking booze stories, you know. I'm sitting there - "You know, I love the taste of gin; it's just so good." "Fuck you, I've been on a UFO. Fuck off! I went drinking with aliens, you fucker! Shut up!" "I lost my wife." "I LOST AN ALIEN CULTURE WHO WANTED TO TAKE ME TO THE PLANET ARCTURUS. FUCK YOU!" I mean, I don't know if I've gotten the resentment, you know, forgiveness part down in the program, but - one day at a time.
I have never heard one reason that rang true why marijuana is against the law. That rang true, now. I'm not talking about the reasons the government tells us, 'cause - I hope you know this; I think you do - all governments are lying cocksuckers. Hope you know that. Good. All right.
. . . "We're rock stars who do Pepsi Cola commercials!" Luckily Satan's dick has many heads, so all these little demon piglets can nuzzle up and suckle all at once. Here comes a fella named Vanilla Ice. Here comes MC Hammer. Here's Madonna with two heads. Suckin' Satan's pecker. Suck it! It's only you're dignity. Suck it! It's only your dignity! Suck it! . . . I am available for children's parties, by the way.
To me, pornography is, you know, spending all your money and not educating the people in America, but spending it instead on weapons. That's pornographic to me.
. . . "Oh, childbirth is such a miracle. It's such a miracle." Wrong! No more a miracle than eating food and a turd coming out of your ass. You know what a miracle is? A miracle's raising a kid who doesn't talk in a fucking movie theater.
QUOTES FROM BILL HICKS: ARIZONA BAY
I used to love to call L.A. when I lived in New York: What are y'all doin'? Talking to TV producers, huh? Bummer. Me? I'm reading a book! Yeah, we're thinkin' back East. Yeah, we're evolving. Is that the Big One I hear in the background? Bye you lizard scum! Bye! (whoosh) Ha ha ha ha! It's gone, it's gone, it's gone. It's gone. All the shitty shows are gone, all the idiots screamin' in the fuckin' wind are dead, I love it.
Leaving nothing but a cool, beautiful serenity called . . . Arizona Bay.
I saw footage over there of the Rodney King trial. I think I figured out why the L.A. riots occurred. Did you guys see these cops testifyin', man? Did these guys have balls, or what, man? These guys carry their balls in a wheelbarrow, man. . . . And I watch all the news reports, you know. "Today Officer Coon, Officer Nigger Hater and Officer Keep Darkie Down were acquitted on all racist charges. Here's Tom with the weather."
-- "Hi, Susie, it's 420 degrees Fahrenheit here in South Central L.A. right now. Probably a good time to get outta the fuckin' city, Susie. There's a gust of lead coming up Sunset."
Boy, I love talkin' about the Kennedy Assassination, man. That's my favorite
topic. You know why? . . . Because for me it's a great archetypal example of how the totalitarian government who rules this planet partitions out information in such a
way that we, the masses, are forced to base our conclusions on erroneous-
Oh, I'm sorry, wrong meeting. I thought this was the meeting uh . . . at the docks, no? Oh, shit. That's tomorrow night.
. . . I was just in Dallas, and uh . . . you know, you can go to the sixth floor of the
School Book Depository. . . . But it's really weird, you can actually-- They have the windows set up to look exactly like it did on that day, and it's really accurate, you know, 'cause Oswald's not in it! Ha ha ha! Yeah. So, I don't know who did their research, but I'm talkin' pains-taking detail.
. . . Bush has been selling weapons to Iraq since whenever, and we knew that, I knew
that. During the Persian Gulf War those intelligence reports would come in:"Iraq. Incredible weapons, Incredible. Weapons." "How do y'all know that?"
"Well . . . we looked at the receipt. But as soon as that check clears, we're goin' in. What time's the bank open? Eight? We're goin' in at nine . . . for God and country, and he's a Hitler, and hey, look! A fetus! So whatever you need, let's go! Whatever
you, the apathetic, docile masses, need to get behind. Here, here's a fetus. Come on!"
But you know, I'm just so sick of this whole deal. We arm the world, we arm these little countries and then we send troops over to blow the shit out of 'em, you know? We're like the, we're like the bullies of the world right now, do you know that? We're like Jack Palance in the movie Shane, throwing the pistol at the sheep herder's feet.
"Pick it up."
"I don't wanna pick it up, mister. You'll shoot me."
"Pick up the gun."
"Look, mister. I don't want no trouble. I just came to town to get some hard rock candy for my kids and some gingham for my wife. I don't even know what gingham is, but . . . she goes through about four or five rolls a week of that stuff. I don't want no trouble, mister."
"Pick up the gun. (three gunshots) You all saw him. He had a gun."
You ever notice how people who believe in Creationism look really unevolved? Eyes real close together, big furry hands and feet. "I believe God created me in one day." Yeah, looks like he rushed it.
While I appreciate your quaint traditions, superstitions, and you know, I, on the other hand, am an evolved being who deals solely with the source of light which exists in all of us in our own minds. No middleman required. But anyway, I appreciate your little games and shit, you putting on the tie and going to church, a da-da-da-da. But you know there's a LIVNG GOD WHO WILL TALK DIRECTLY FUCKIN' TO YOU! -- sorry --not through the pages of the Bible that FORGOT TO MENTION DINOSAURS!
By the way, if anyone here is in marketing or advertising. . . kill yourself. Thank you. Just planting seeds, planting seeds is all I'm doing. No joke here, really. Seriously, kill yourself, you have no rationalization for what you do, you are Satan's little helpers. Kill yourself, kill yourself, kill yourself now. Now, back to the show.
. . . saw a movie this year called Basic Instinct. Now, Bill's quick capsule review: piece of shit. Thank you. . . . Anyway, after I saw it about eight times . . . come to find out, after seeing this film, all of the lesbian sex scenes were cut out of this film because the test audience . . . was turned off by them! Boy, is my thumb not on the pulse of America. I don't wanna seem like Randy Pan the Goatboy. . . but that was the only reason I went to that piece of shit film. Sorry. If I had been in that test audience, the only one out front protesting that film woulda been Michael Douglas demanding his part be put back in.
. . . So I read another article in the paper, uh . . . woman is suing the state of Wisconsin. Why would anyone sue the state of Wisconsin? Well, here's why. She married a fella on Death Row. Why is he on Death Row? He killed eight women. She married him -- there's more -- he has AIDS. . . . He is on Death Row for killing eight women, he has AIDS, she married him, and is suing the state for the right . . . of conjugal visits! Now, I'm sorry to say the first thing that crossed my mind when I read that was: "And l'm not gettin' laid." Hey! What exactly are you ladies lookin' for here? These guys must've been heavy on the sense of humor thing you seem to love so much in your little ladies' polls.
I wouldn't give Satan a snowball's chance in hell against a woman's ego, man. He'd rule the Earth for a day. A week later we'd see Satan out cuttin' the lawn.
QUOTES FROM BILL HICKS: RANT IN E-MINOR
I finally got my own TV show coming out next fall on CBS. . . . it's a half-hour weekly show that I will host, entitled "Let's Hunt and Kill Billy Ray Cyrus." So y'all be tuning in? Cool, cool. Cool, it's a fairly self-explanatory plot, uh . . . Each week we let the hounds of Hell loose and we chase that jar-head, no-talent, cracker asshole all over the globe . . . till I finally catch that fruity little ponytail of his in the back . . . and we'll be back in '95 with "Let's Hunt and Kill Michael Bolton." So. Thank you very much. I'm just trying to rid the world of all these fevered egos that are tainting our collective unconscious and making us pay a higher psychic price than we imagine. In fact, that's how I pitched it to the networks exactly, I said . . . "Uh, I'd like to do a show where I rid the world of all these fevered egos that are tainting our collective unconscious,"
and the guy at CBS said, "Will there be titty?" And I said, "Sure, I don't know, sure." Boom! A check falls in my lap and -- I'm a producer!
I was over in Australia during Easter, which was interesting. Interesting to note they celebrate Easter the same way we do, commemorating the death and resurrection of Jesus . . . by telling our children a giant bunny rabbit . . . left chocolate eggs in the night.
People suck and that's my contention. I can prove it on scratch paper and a pen. Give me a fucking Etch-A-Sketch, I'll do it in three minutes to prove the fact, the factorum, I'll show my work, case closed. I'm tired of this backslapping, "aren't humanity neat" bullshit. We're a virus with shoes. OK? That's all we are.
What do you say we, uh, lighten things up and talk about abortion? You know, I feel like I'm losing some of you here and I wanna win all of you back with this one. Let's talk about abortion. Let's talk about child-killing, and see if we can't get some chuckles rippling through the room here. Let's talk about mass murder of young, unborn children, see if we can't coalesce into one big healthy gut-laugh. Ha ha ha ha ha ha!
. . . here's my actual theory beyond, uh, the huge, hilarious jokes I have. Here's my real theory: if you're so pro-life and you're so pro-child, then adopt one that's
already here that's very unwanted and very alone and needs someone to take care of it, to get it out of a horrible situation. OK? People say, "Why don't you do that!" and I say, "'Cause I hate fuckin' kids and could care less." Couldn't give a fuck. Don't care at all about abortion. It's your choice, case closed, the end, bottom line. . . . You're not a human till you're in my phone book. There. My hat is now in the political ring.
Three weeks ago two of my friends and I went to a ranch in Fredericksburg, Texas, and took what Terence McKenna calls "a heroic dose." Five dried grams. Let me tell you, our third eye was squeegeed quite cleanly. Wow! And I'm glad they're against the law, 'cause you know what happened when I took 'em? I laid in a field of green grass for four hours, going "My God, I love everything." The heavens parted, God looked down and rained gifts of forgiveness onto my being, healing me on every level, psychically, physically, emotionally. And I realized our true nature is spirit, not body, that we are eternal beings, and God's love is unconditional 'n' there's nothing we can ever do to change that. It is only our illusion that we are separate from God, or that we are alone. In fact the reality is we are one with God and He loves us. Now, if that isn't a hazard to this country... Do you see my point? How are we gonna keep building nuclear weapons, you know what I mean? What's gonna happen to the arms industry when we realize we're all one? Ha ha ha ha ha! It's gonna fuck up the economy! The economy that's fake anyway! Ha ha ha! Which would be a real bummer. You know. You can see why the government's cracking down.
Mushrooms grow on cow turds. I love that. I think that's why you giggle the first hour.
There's dick jokes on the way, please relax. Ha ha! You're going, "This guy better have some good dick jokes, I'll tell you that, honey. I mean, this guy better have a big, long, purple-vein dick joke to pull himself out of this comedy hole."
All right, man. Good evening, everyone. Oh, Jesus Christ. I've had more people in bed before than this. Fuck, man. In fact they were at the hotel. I left them to come here and do this. Don't I feel like a fucking idiot? . . . Welcome. Welcome. Welcome to No Sympathy Night. Welcome to You're Wrong Night. Boy, I'm in a mood. You know, could be this haircut. Every time I look at my hair I go, "Fuck it, someone needs to die." Generally I think it's me, but I don't have the balls to do it so -- so I continue to walk around with my hair.
I am your herder. Kneel in front of me. . . . Everyone good? Welcome to my show. Hey, ha ha! "Moo. Moo." Coupla cows are getting arrogant out there. "Moo. Moo." Come on, Shep. Get that one cow who's leaving the pack. Arf! "Moo." Go back to the herd, moron. OK? I have this weirdest style, don't I? I . . . ha ha ha ha ha ha! "Bill, you do a little kind of joke that's kind of funny, then you start telling us you hate us and you dig a fucking hole." Where's Bill going? He's going to comedy death. Boom! He pops out of it with another joke. It's my particular style. . . . I'm ranting under the stars with my herd. "Gee Bill, are you talkin' to us?" I'm talking metaphorically about America, all right? Not y'all. I give y'all more credit. I assume that you're enjoying this, or if not at least emotionally involved, which is important. Even if it's anger. Really. It's OK, man. That's what this is all about, man. It's supposed to be a fucking catharsis, man, you know? It's supposed to be release from the fucking daily grind. I wish it worked for me. Ha ha ha! I'm killing me. Join me.
QUOTES FROM BILL HICKS: FLYING SAUCER TOUR, VOL. 1
Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. Hope you're doing well tonight. I'm glad to be here. I been on the road doing comedy now for ten years, so bear with me while I plaster on a fake smile and plow through this shit one more time. Teasing. It's magic every show.
My dad: "Bill, do you have to say the F-word in your act, son? Bob Hope doesn't need to use the F-word in his act." "Yeah, well, dad, gues what. Bob Hope doesn't play the shit-holes I play, all right? You put him in some of these joints, he'll have Emmanuel Lewis and Phyllis Diller 69ing as his closer - just to get out of there alive!"
Listen, folks, the audience participation part of the show is limited to this and this only: direct "yes" and "no" answers to my questions, laughter, applause, and a blowjob from all the women afterwards. That's it. You can all relax within those parameters, I believe. Good. Glad we know the fucking schedule.
. . .People say the dumbest things, too: "Hey, you quit smoking, you get your sense of smell back." I live in New York City. I don't want my fucking sense of smell back. . . . Cold turkey's hard. It's the most - It's really aggravating. What I'm gonna do is I'm gonna quit gradually, and what you do to quit gradually is, I'm gonna lose one lung - and then a little while later I'm gonna lose the other one. And that's it. I feel better having a plan.
You ever watch CNN for longer than, say, 20 hours in one day? I gotta cut that out. Watch CNN. It's the most depressing thing you'll ever see, man. "WAR, FAMINE, DEATH, AIDS, HOMELESS, RECESSION, DEPRESSION, WAR, FAMINE, DEATH, AIDS." Over and over again. Then you look out your window - (crickets chirping) - where's all this shit going on, man? Ted Turner is making this shit up. Jane Fonda won't sleep with him, he runs to a typewriter: "By 1992 we will all die of AIDS. Read that on the air. I don't get laid, nobody gets laid."
. . . There NEVER was a war. A war is when two armies are fighting. Right there I think we can all agree. . . . Those guys were in hog heaven out there, man. They had a big weapons catalog opened up: "What's G-12 do, Tommy?" "Says here it destroys everything but the fillings in their teeth. Helps us pay for the war effort." "Well shit, pull that one up!" "Pull up G-12, please." . . . we killed 150,000 people, we lost 79 - mostly to friendly fire. Did those Army commercials even need to be aired any more? "We're the Army and we're looking for a few good- fuck, we got enough good men. Screw it! We need 80 of ya, that's it. Eighty of ya and that weapons catalog."
Y'all are about to win the election as the worst fucking audience I've ever faced. Ever. Ever. EVER! S'all right. S'all right. No, listen folks. Here's the deal. I know you're getting concerned. Let me assure you right now: there are dick jokes on the way. Relax, I'm a professional.
I don't get along with anything, I really don't. I'm just - I'm, I'm, maybe I'm just a, you know, incredibly tasteful human being.
Swear to God, I woke up in the best mood. Happened to be 8 p.m., but - you really manage professional wrestlers? Why the thumb?
Later on we're gonna play putt-putt golf up here, so get ready. I'm going to be the windmill.
Are you from Pittsburgh? Very beautiful town. What do you do here? Student! Very good. And where do you study? Cornell? Cool. What're you majoring in? Psychology. Bet you're having a field day watching this shit, aren't ya? "See, he talked about fucking young kids in the ass, he smoked 20 cigarettes in a row. I think I'm gonna do a thesis on this guy. Fuck it. Can I get some more napkins, waitress? I'm writing something here."
I don't drink, uh, I don't do drugs. I wanna thank management for offering, but -
. . . I have had seven balls of light come off a UFO, lead me onto their ship, explain to me telepathically that we are all one and there's no such thing as death, but I have never looked at an egg and thought it was a fucking brain - not once. Now, maybe I wasn't getting good shit. I admit it - I see that commercial, I feel cheated. Hey, where's the stuff that makes eggs look like brains? Did I quit too soon?
Thank God they're taxing alcohol, man. It means we have those great roads we can get fucked up and drive on. . . . I have some more news to tell you, folks, and it's not popular news, but once again, it's the fucking truth! Ready? . . . Alcohol's a drug. . . . Alcohol kills more people than crack, coke, and heroin combined each year. . . . So thanks for inviting me to your little alcoholic drug den here tonight, you hypocritical scum-sucking pieces of shit, you. . . . What does that mean, psychologist? Have you gotten that far yet? A man FILLED TO THE FUCKING BRIM WITH PURE, WHITE HATRED! Do I fall under the fucking Manson category yet?
Pot is a better drug than alcohol. FACT! I'll prove it to ya. You're in a ballgame or a concert and someone's really violent and aggressive and obnoxious. Are they drunk or are they smoking pot? (Audience: "Drunk!") Drunk would be the one and only correct answer, thank you very much. Drunk would be the ONE and only correct answer. I have never seen people on pot get in a fight because it's fucking impossible. "Hey buddy!" "Hey what?" End of argument.
. . . To make marijuana against the law is like saying God made a mistake. You know what I mean? It's like God on the seventh day looked down on His creation and he said "There it is, My creation. Perfect and holy in all ways. Now I can rest - oh my Me! I left fucking pot everywhere. I should never have smoked that joint on the third day. Shit! Now I have to create Republicans."
I'm amusing people one at a time here tonight. This is unique. I'm amazed at the restraint of the rest of you till your time comes up. You're really patient.
I am not promoting the use of drugs, I'm just saying if you're gonna have a war against drugs, have 'em against all drugs including alcohol, the number one offender, or shut the fuck up!
I have had bad times on drugs. One time me and three friends dropped acid, drove 'round in my dad's car. He's got one of those talking cars. We're tripping. The car goes: "The door is ajar." We pulled over and thought about that for 12 hours. "How can a door be a jar?" "Shit, I don't know, but I see it." "I see it, too. . . .What's that?" "That's an egg! Oh, great! We're not that high yet. When this turns into a brain, we're getting a hotel room. . . ."
My point is I was not a criminal when I did drugs, no more 'n you're a criminal 'cause you're drinking a beer. People who do drugs are not criminals. They might be sick, but I don't think jail is gonna heal 'em. . . . 'kay, America? Wake up from your law enforcement fucking fantasy and shut up. It ain't gonna work, 'kay? It's not gonna work. So let's move on to a plan that might work. Isn't that simple? Feels good, too, don't it?
One more thing about drugs and I'm gonna quit the drug topic, and we're that much closer to the dick jokes. OK. Um - and you don't hear this enough, either, and I gotta say it: drugs have done good things for us. Yeah. And if you don't believe they have, I want you to do me a favor. Go home tonight, take all your albums, your tapes and your CDs, and burn them. 'Cause you know what? The musicians who made that great music that has enhanced your lives throughout the years? Rrrrrrrrrrrreal fucking high on drugs.
Let me ask you a quick question: why does Taco Bell have a fucking menu? Do ya need this? I mean, just go up to the counter. The guy should go: "How do you want your beans and flour arranged?" "I want mine to look like a taco." "I want mine to look like a churrito." It's like the Playdoh of fast food . . .
. . . my girlfriend hated those porno movies. . . . I'll be watching one, she'll come home: "That woman's not enjoyin' that. She is not enjoyin' that." I'm going: "Well, honey, she's got a pretty big grin on her face and we know she's not a good actress." But her attitude - I guess a lot of women's attitudes - is that those movies are degrading to women. And I say: "Pfft, look at the guys! Are they exalted? I couldn't make a face like that if a car ran over my foot. She looks great. He looks like a doofus!"
Well, folks, I want to thank you for being here for the recording of my live comedy album. Funny material and laughter will be dubbed in later. Why pressure ourselves? I did a little longer than I was supposed to do. The reason is I always do long shows when I'm in Pittsburgh, 'cause I know for a fact there's nothing else going on here.
